Neurodivergent reward cycle
Jun. 8th, 2025 07:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
petraMy brain reward cycle is fucked, and the longer I think about it, the more I recognize that it's always been this way.
Case in point: I performed recently after preparing for 5 months.
My mother said, "It went well! That must feel good."
Me: "..."
It didn't. It never really does, not unless someone else gives me external validation.
Whenever I do something hard, my brain's response is, "Well, I did it, so how hard could it have been?"
This applies to excelling academically (which I have done frequently), excelling at my job (which I have done on occasion), every type of performance I've ever undertaken (and there have been a lot), every form of art/craft I've ever done (writing, knitting, crocheting, etc.), and helping friends.
Mostly I just feel relief that it's over, and my brain isn't going to give me the constant round of "You should work on [thing]!" anymore. Nah, the shoulds will switch to something else, but at least it'll be new at first.
Case in point: I performed recently after preparing for 5 months.
My mother said, "It went well! That must feel good."
Me: "..."
It didn't. It never really does, not unless someone else gives me external validation.
Whenever I do something hard, my brain's response is, "Well, I did it, so how hard could it have been?"
This applies to excelling academically (which I have done frequently), excelling at my job (which I have done on occasion), every type of performance I've ever undertaken (and there have been a lot), every form of art/craft I've ever done (writing, knitting, crocheting, etc.), and helping friends.
Mostly I just feel relief that it's over, and my brain isn't going to give me the constant round of "You should work on [thing]!" anymore. Nah, the shoulds will switch to something else, but at least it'll be new at first.
